


Love and Hate of the Same Shade

by ashryverblue



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alcohol references, Angst, Explicit Language, F/M, I just wrote my feelings, I make no apologies or excuses for this, Implied/Referenced Sex, Kylo is a little bitch, Modern AU, Pure undiluted angst, Unhealthy Relationships, angst angst angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-02-17
Updated: 2018-02-17
Packaged: 2019-03-20 12:04:19
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,094
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13717320
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ashryverblue/pseuds/ashryverblue
Summary: There were no inbetweens with the two of them. They'd always be at one extreme or the other. They'd be alight with desire, drunk on physical affection, and utterly enamoured with each other or they'd be crashing together in a maelstrom of bitterness and anger so strong it could consume them. They were always in turmoil, always in a state of passionate hate or passionate love.Oneshot. Kylo and Rey are exes with a complicated history. Angst and drama ensues.





	Love and Hate of the Same Shade

Rey was curled up on the couch in her apartment, the fire light casting flickering shadows on the pages of the open book in her hands. She stared vacantly at the page, listening to the sound of the rain outside, her mind running over the events of the last month. 

 

It was a mess. She thought having a night in to read alone would ease the frustration and confusion that plagued her night and day. But somehow her thoughts always meandered back to Kylo. She thought back to the first few weeks, the tender moments curled up next to each other on his couch watching stupid movies, the kisses under street lamps. His kindness and compassion had seemed limitless then, but now…

 

The man who’d kissed her forehead and stroked her hair was nowhere to be found. The only comfort they could find was when they were horny or drunk. His arms felt like home on those nights. She would just hold him, burying her head in his chest and forgetting everything. It was so easy to get caught up in those moments and lose themselves in each other’s bodies, lust taking away the pain. If there was one thing they could do right, it was that. 

 

But in the mornings, he'd be different. He’d put up a wall between them, and he would stay quiet and detached. Trying to get him to talk when he was like that was a verbal game of chess, and it drove her crazy. Their conversations would run in circles and she'd forget what she was talking about in the first place.  

 

So Rey would give up and let him go, and wonder where they'd gone wrong. The night before would feel like a dream, two different people cuddling and kissing and fucking in her bed. The idea of them together seemed surreal, ludicrous. What had she been thinking?

 

Perhaps that was the thing about Kylo: she just couldn't think around him. Her inhibitions and rationality would dissipate, leaving behind an unguarded flame of fleeting impulse guiding her actions. There were times when they'd scream and cry and fight. They were ugly fights, raging with anger and vitriol. There were no inbetweens with the two of them. They'd always be at one extreme or the other. They'd be alight with desire, drunk on physical affection, and utterly enamoured with each other or they'd be crashing together in a maelstrom of bitterness and anger so strong it could consume them. They were always in turmoil, always in a state of passionate hate or passionate love. 

 

They were a mess, and they both knew it. She hated the person she became around him. When she was with him, she was reckless and abrasive, never stopping to think. She'd rise to his bait and lash out, both of them cutting each other into pieces. They both knew subliminally that they should stay away from each other, but Rey couldn't stop herself from being drawn to him. She kept going back, looking for comfort in the same place that had made her hurt.

 

The knock on the door abruptly broke her out of her reverie. She got up and crossed the room, her hand reaching for the handle and pausing there. It was very unlikely to be anyone else. Not answering would probably be the best thing, but even as that thought took shape her fingers were turning the key and letting him in. She could no longer count the number of times they'd screwed each other up. What was one more?

 

Seeing him standing there did strange things to her insides. His face was unreadable, but Rey was tired and she was sick of guessing games. 

 

“What do you want?”

 

“I was just passing by, and I thought I'd see how you were doing.” Rey could already tell from his tone and his posture that this was not going to be one of their good nights. She could feel irritation building in her blood already, and he'd barely said anything.

 

She just sighed, “Why are you here, Kylo?” There was nothing there for him tonight, nothing good.

 

“Do you want me to leave?”

 

Despite herself, Rey shook her head. “No, I don't want you to leave,” but she didn't really want him to stay either.  “But I don't want you to come in if you have nothing civil to say to me.”

 

Kylo raised an eyebrow, “What's up with you?”

 

There it was again. The forced casualness, as if his words hadn't cut her self confidence down like stalks of wheat the last time they'd spoken. There were never any apologies, never any explanations. She was always the moody one, the irrational one. 

 

“To be honest, I'm sick of all your bullshit, and I don't know why you're really here.” 

 

Kylo’s only response was to pull his rucksack off his shoulder and unzip the main compartment. “I found these at home, and I just figured you'd want them.” It was one of her old hoodies and a scarf, from when they'd got together the first time. Rey had long since thought them lost. It was a strange gesture, returning her stuff now, after everything. But Kylo didn't ever do things in a way that made sense. 

 

“So I'll just give you these and you can get rid of me, ok?”

 

Rey gritted her teeth at his patronising tone.

 

“Couldn't you have just said that instead of messing me around?”

 

“Messing you around? I haven't even said anything.”

 

Rey shook her head, “I'm sorry, Kylo, but every time you come here these days you do everything in your power to antagonise me, so you can't blame me for expecting you to be a dick.” 

 

“Jesus. I just wanted to give you your stuff back; you're welcome, by the way. I would've left by now if you hadn't dragged me into this dumb conversation.”

 

Rey knew she was being unreasonable, but she was sick of trying with him, sick of being diplomatic and adhering to his sensibilities. 

 

“This is the fourth time you've come round here this week, Kylo. You're just trying to piss me off and get back at me for having inexcusably wronged you in some way that you won't explain to me, because you're Kylo Ren and you're dark and brooding and no emotions will touch you.”

 

“It isn't my fault that you're so over sensitive about everything. Look, do you want your stuff or not?” Kylo was beginning to raise his voice. In response, Rey grabbed her clothes from his outstretched arms and clutched them to her chest protectively. 

 

“You can leave now. Thanks for nothing.”

 

“You're so melodramatic. I come over here to drop something off and you start whining at me for no reason.”

 

“I'm not melodramatic, I'm emotional.  I'm just as fucking sensitive as you pretend not to be. You started this. Don’t act like you don't know. Do you expect me to just forget what you said on Wednesday or last week? You constantly pick out my flaws as if I can't see them for myself, and you expect me to still treat you well. And I do, because I'm fucking stupid and I still think it'll be different every time.” 

 

Kylo rolled his eyes, “There you go again, whine whine whine.” 

 

Rey shook her head in confusion. Everything was spinning out of control. She didn't even know what was going on anymore, but her self control was gone, bitterness fuelling her words. She was spitting out all the things she'd bottled up over the past few weeks, frustration spilling over the edge.

 

“Don't talk to me like you know me, Kylo. You don't get to act like you know anything about my life because of a few drunken nights together. You and I broke up a long time ago. We're  _ nothing _ .” 

 

Kylo flinched. “You know that isn't true, Rey,” he sounded hurt all of a sudden, but his voice lacked real conviction. 

 

He came closer anyway, kissing her in desperation. Rey almost let herself get caught up in it. Almost. 

 

But something felt wrong. This was merely a distraction from what was important, yet another procrastination of dealing with their issues. 

 

Rey pushed him away, breaking the kiss, and shaking her head, “Stop. That doesn't fix anything.” 

 

“But you want me. Come on, Rey. I know you want me,” Kylo ran a hand through her hair, his pleading eyes fixing on hers.

 

Rey shook her head, “Not like this.” Kylo tried to kiss her again, needily, lazily, but Rey stepped back and out of his reach. 

 

“Would you just listen to me for once in your life, please?” she asked him.

 

“If you could just say something that made sense and wasn't bogged down with dramatics for the first time in  _ your _ life, sure.”

 

“I can't do this with you, Kylo! I'm so sick of this crap. I'm sick of your bullying and I'm sick of you never telling me how you feel ever-”

 

“Are you surprised? You can't expect me to trust  _ you. _ ”

 

Rey shook her head, “I just dumped you, Kylo. People get dumped, Kylo. We were young, it was a long time ago. And I've told you about a billion times that I'm sorry. I've tried being your friend and getting to know you and making amends but how can I do that when you have this wall up the whole time? You never let me in, even just part way.” 

 

“Maybe I didn't want your fucking apologies and your pity, maybe I just wanted you to tell me why!” 

 

Rey blew out a breath, resigned to their unending circling, “I've explained that before. We've said all of this shit before.” 

 

“That's because you can't let go of anything.”

 

“Because you never listen! You never give me a straight answer and so we never solve our problems! You say one thing and then change your mind and act like it never happened! It's exhausting. You're exhausting! You just won't talk to me, not for real, unless you're drunk or high, and then you claim not to remember, or you won't talk about it. How are we supposed to figure anything out if you're never honest with me?” 

 

“Figure anything out?” Kylo’s laugh was sarcastic and bitter, cutting into Rey like a knife. “You're the one who said we shouldn't get back together.  _ You _ left this open ended. So maybe you could figure out what you actually want this to be before lecturing me about my faults.”

 

“I didn't want to get back together because we broke up for a reason! Because I wanted to see if we could actually manage a stable friendship before entering into another high pressure relationship! Why is that so hard to understand?”

 

“ _ We _ broke up,” Kylo spat. “There was nothing mutual about it, Rey, you know that.  _ You _ broke us up. I was fine. I was happy, and you ruined what we had.”

 

The response was so typical of Kylo: focusing only on what was in the past and set in stone, he made no effort to think of the future; obsessing over the most minute detail so he could work it into his own twisted narrative and ignoring her point completely. 

 

“What we had was collapsing in on itself anyway, you were just pretending not to see it. You swagger in here and act like everything's my fault, but you  _ knew _ the state I was in, you could tell I wasn't all there.”

 

She was right. Kylo's face told her he knew she was right, but he was too damn proud to admit it. Despite everything, through her anger, Rey knew that the residual heartbreak she saw in his eyes would haunt her on many lonely nights in the future.

 

She felt sick. She didn't want to see him hurting, especially because of her. All she really wanted was to cry and fold herself into his embrace. But she couldn't allow herself to give in. Not this time. It would only make it hurt even worse. 

 

“Kylo. I miss you. I miss you so much. But we're no good for each other. You know it and I know it.” 

 

Kylo's face visibly paled. He wanted to ignore this, he wanted to go on like before. But Rey knew it was only a matter of time before his words would cut her again and her patience would fray and snap, letting her temper loose on him. She could see the weariness in her own heart reflected in his features. He didn't speak. He just let the brokenness in his eyes eat her alive.

 

She had to cut him loose. It was the only way.

 

“I hoped we could have something better this time. I hoped maybe this could become something good, but now... We keep wrecking each other.”

 

Kylo's voice was hollow and raw when he responded, “You can't break up with me. We're not together.”

 

Rey blinked furiously against the tears that threatened, “I know, Kylo, but...I can't take this. You can't take this either. ”

 

“I still want to see you.” 

 

“What we want is killing us.” The words were brutal and definitive. 

 

Rey's insides clenched at the devastation written all over his face. 

 

“I have to go.” 

 

“Kylo…” she didn't know what to say.

“I'm sorry.” 

 

“Don't. You can't fix it. Just leave it.” 

 

She wanted to say something to make it better, something to make it right. But a saga as toxic as theirs couldn’t be rounded off neatly or tied up in pretty bows. There was nothing left to be said and nothing left to be done.

 

He turned on his heel and stalked out of the door. Rey stared at his retreating back, the cold air rushing into the space he'd just occupied. The look on his face was imprinted behind her eyelids.

 

They hadn't explicitly said they were done. The conversation hadn't been vastly different to others they'd had on many similar nights. But there was an honesty to it this time, and a sense of finality. 

 

Rey locked the door and sank to her knees behind it. Her chest physically ached. Memories flashed through her consciousness. Feelings and sensations, moments she'd wanted to live in forever. All of it gone so suddenly and cruelly, but it was so necessary.

 

Rey knew she couldn't be with him again. Perhaps in groups of mutual friends in public places, but she couldn't be with him like she'd let herself be with him these past few weeks. She doubted he'd actively seek her out again, but he wouldn't enforce their separation. He never made any concrete decisions about their relationship, always going with her flow, no matter how many times she left him washed up as a consequence. 

 

No, it would have to be Rey’s force of will that kept them apart. If she appeared at Kylo's door in six months time, he'd let her in, and if she got him drunk enough he'd allow her to get close to him all over again, consequences to both of them be damned.

 

A soul deep loneliness enveloped her. This wasn't the loneliness of just after a break up, the feeling of having lost something of value. This wasn't the loneliness of boring months of singledom and celibacy. This was the loneliness which longed for another life, another universe where things could have been different. If it weren't for the timing, if they could just communicate. This was a funeral for the incomplete and unfinished, mourning a never realised daydream. This was missing something she'd never truly had, but something which had been taken from her nonetheless.

 

She wondered about the possibility of them being friends, but she knew that even if she tried it wouldn't work. Kylo was an all or nothing person. You were in his inner circle and he gave up everything for you, or you were anyone else, and he didn't give a shit. Rey knew they couldn't have the emotional closeness without the physical, at least not with the way things were at the moment. Physical comfort was the very essence of them together, that burning, almost sensual intensity they could contain in a single embrace. She wasn't sure she could be around him without wanting to fall into that again.

 

Because the difficult truth was that Rey had to carry the responsibility of removing herself from his life, and she had to stomp on her natural tendency to follow her heart into battle. She would have to be the one who resisted, the one who held herself back. Right now, it felt like amputating an infected limb so that poison wouldn't spread through the rest of her body. She could only hope the loss would lessen over time.

 

So Rey lifted herself off the floor and made her way back to the armchair where her book still lay open. She felt like reading it even less than she had earlier.

 

Rey stared at the page, trying to make herself concentrate, trying to ignore the feeling of something inside herself fracturing. She knew she should be tougher than this. Discounting Kylo, everything was going great. She had her own life, and she was more than capable of taking care of herself. She didn't need him. 

 

Yet Rey could feel her resolve fracturing anyway. This fragile pseudo relationship had been wearing her down for weeks. She was suddenly much too tired to keep being measured about her feelings. As if her resolve or rationality had ever stayed intact when it came to Kylo. Maybe she just needed to let herself crumble, if only for a little while.  

 

Rey wrapped her arms around her body, missing the warmth of his arms. She cradled herself as if her own embrace could make up for the lack of Kylo, his absence stitching its way through every fibre of her being.

  
Rey tasted salt on her lips before realising that silent tears were slipping down her face and dripping onto the unread page she was holding open. Tomorrow, she would pick herself up and let life go on. Tomorrow, she would be the brave, unshakable, steadfast Rey. Tonight, she could allow herself to cling to memories and cry about it all. She could let herself feel the emptiness, if only for a little while. So she allowed herself to wallow in the phantom feeling of Kylo’s hugs. She allowed herself to lose herself in the pain he'd caused her, just this one last time. 


End file.
